It's Only One Look And That's All That It Takes

Hello Fellow Princesses!!!

Even Though I’m Gay Now, That Doesn’t Mean My Previous Straight Feelings Are Gone.

Romance might be hands-down my biggest struggle. Let's see; I'm not attractive, there's not that many gay boys in my school, I suck at flirting, I'm over obsessive, did I mention I'm not attractive? But don't worry, I'm not going to bore you all with a story about my past failures in romance. Oh wait, I lied; that's totally what I'm about to do!!! (hey it's my blog, nobody's forcing you to read it...)

So let's take a trip back in time, all the way to... 5th grade (yeah it's only been 6 years, but it feels like forever ago). Now for anyone who thinks I'm ugly now (and yeah I totally agree with you, you don't have any reason to think otherwise), you should've seen me then (god those were some bad times (oh and no, I'm not apologizing for using the word god. If people want to use him as a tool to spread homophobia, then I can use him to express my over-reactions), seriously I wish I could erase those years from my life), I was wayyy too chatty, and I had an addiction to Minecraft (but I mean didn't we all back then?).

Now because of my over-chatting, one of my friends actually paid me $30 to go an entire day without talking (and yes I’m aware of the irony with the GSA day of silence).

Now believe it or not, I was actually able to go most of day without talking. I wrote everything down, and for a moment, I actually believed that I was going to finally win a bet!!! However, right before lunch, some kid purposely pushed me, and of course I went off on him. For the remainder of the lunch period, I felt so disappointed. It was during recess however, that my life truly changed forever (well that’s a bit of an overstatement).

I was sitting there, alone, feeling disappointed that I lost the bet. I knew that by now, word spread to everyone that I talked, but something happened. I noticed that someone came up to me. This someone happened to be a beautiful girl with the sweetest voice I had ever heard. I didn't even know who she was, but for some strange reason, she offered to tell everyone that I didn't talk, and that she witnessed it. This was probably the most shocking moment of my life; I mean not only the fact that someone actually cared enough to do something nice for me, but that fact that it was a beautiful girl of all people. Now naturally, I realized that she was just being friendly, and that encounter was in no way romantic, and therefore there was no reason for my to think anything of it. Yeah I lied again, my over-obsessive ass totally took it as a romantic gesture, and from there I had a complete crush on this girl.

But that was just 5th grade, and I knew that we were all too young for romance, and so I didn't try to impress her in any way. Okay another lie, if you saw me, it was completely obvious I had a crush on this girl. Hell, one night I saw that she was at the same wrestling event I was at, and I was lucky enough to catch one of the wrestler's sweaty shirts, so naturally I go over and give it to her as a gift (smooth, I know). Oh, and there was also the time where I told a "friend" I liked her, and that "friend" happened to tell everyone (yeah, I deserved it for being that gullible). Oh but don't worry, I'm pretty sure she didn't find out, she just stopped being as friendly the day everyone else found out (must be an odd coincidence).

Oh, and if you think this was just 5th grade, you're sadly mistaken. This over-obsessive crush lasted forever (forever being 4 years of course). And over that time, I didn't even talk to her (except for some very awkward Facebook conversations, god I was so weird). Most of the time that I would see her, I would just turn the other way real quick. In fact, one time I was walking down the stairs, and I saw her, so I turned away real quick and almost walked right into the wall. Luckily she didn't notice, although right after it happened she made a Facebook post saying how funny it was when she saw someone almost hit a wall (must have been someone else).

So why did I tell you all this incredibly boring story? Well because one, this is my blog, I'll do what I want. Second, because I want to say how being gay doesn't make you forgot your past. I've been gay for over a year now, and I still nervously look away every time I see her. Whether or not you had a girlfriend before you came out, or you still think about girls now; it's okay. We can't control our thoughts and feelings sometimes, so don't let that confuse you. You're still you, no matter what, and nothing can ever change that.

Stayed Tuned My Fellow Princesses!!!